Atabey of the blue moon

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I painted this little paint (6" x 9") about a month or so ago. As a wish. A pact. And more than that as a reminder of a dream that, probably will never came true, a way to create something meaningful.

My time is not my time and I will not fight that anymore. I surrender that. I understand that.

Atabey of the blue moon is a little painting very close to my heart but more close to my connection with the universe and beyond. My heart is blue, deep blue, indigo blue, a very darkest blue where the day and night doesn't have limits. Where all my sorrows live and sing. My heart is a melancholic melody.

I'm not from this place, my place is far far away, a place I can't remember but I know. Some times when I wake up in the middle of the wee hours I ask to the universe: say my name...

Atabey is one my favorite symbols since childhood. For me, a goddess half human half animal, close to earth and water, a fertility goddess for all the nature. She is the path to the sacred. Atabey is the origin, the dirt, the mud, the water, the darkness in which the seeds and creatures live to grow. Life and death. The cicle. The sacred circle.

If I have to choose a figure it would be a circle. No beginning no end. And its always present in my art, design and illustrations, always.

I'm struggling with everything and I'm tired of this feeling. I made a promise of silence and I said to myself: the next twenty years from now, if alI I can do is running then I will be running my impossibles and will be my cure. Twenty years sound like a whole life and certainly it is.

It doesn't mean that I will not write or create. Art like running, is as part of me as, and also a profound neccesity. If things change, if lifes give me opportunnities, I will be more than happy, if not, is ok too. I need time to learn. I need time to heal. I need time to find my lost self, to find poetry on everything. I'm really tired of fighting for something that It will never arrive. I'm lost. Abandoned to my own lucky, at least is how I feel it from the past years.

What it means is that I will put on hold all my dreams of having and creating a space dedicated to creativity, my ideas of a cultural center, a shop, an atelier, a library dedicated to art, all that I wish for in certain moments, my workshops, exhibitions, all of that have to wait the next twenty years...

Atabey of the blue moon is a little painting with an infinite wish, she knows, she is the origin.

Correr en el paraíso

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 5:46 amla luz ya estaba presente, suave y perceptible, la lluvia también. Es domingo. Lo primero que pienso es en la lluvia- “no importa, lo haré como quiera.”

Correr en el paraíso tiene sus cosas. Es como el amor, tan contradictorio y hermoso a la vez. Mi primer 5k, meta cumplida para este año 2018. Correr me ha dado grandes satisfacciones y lecciones que no olvidaré. Me ha hecho sentir que puedo lograr sobrepasar mis obstáculos, a ser persitente a ser una versión mejor de mí misma en cada corrida. Todo eso suena a post de Pinterest pero es abrumadoramente cierto. Y esto no viene solo, también tengo dolores y calambres pero el dolor físico no me ha impedido hasta ahora de seguir y correr y añadir millas a mis rutas. Corro mientras pueda y espero hacerlo hasta el final de mis días. Corro con el compromiso del deber. Me debo. Le debo mucho a la Nieves que fui, soy y seré. No tengo otra manera de pagar que esta.

Muchas puertas y proyectos se han cerrado. Muchas frustraciones acumuladas a lo largo de mi vida y mi “carrera” creativa en una gran pausa.  Muchos sueños muertos e inexistentes. Soy hija de la oscuridad. El universo me abandonó a mi suerte. No tengo nada y estoy aquí, feliz y decidida. Feliz y cansada. Feliz e inquebrantable, por ahora. Feliz porque al menos puedo correr y eso basta por ahora. Construyo mi cuerpo, mi espíritu, mi mente y eso es lo que puedo hacer por ahora.

La hipersensibiliad de mis sentidos me permitió disfrutar la interesante marcha simultánea de mil personas corriendo y caminando a la misma vez. Todas las palabras de apoyo, la solidaridad, las risas. Fue lindo y reconfortante. Mi tiempo fue bueno, 37 minutos intensos y activos, purificadores.

Ya puedo hacer una marca de cotejo en mi lista, ya he cumplido. Por lo demás, si tengo que esperar 20 años más para lograr mis objetivos creativos, esperaré sólo si tengo la oportunidad de correr y correr y correr.

A new manifesto

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I am now

I am an aprentice

I am a visioner

I am spirit and courage

I am brave

I am fearless

I am nature

and time

and space

and darkness.

 

I am infinite

I am resistance

I am mistery and wisdom

I am a path

I am life

I am peace

I am a healer, a witch,

an animal whisperer

I am this moment

just a piece of this

Universe.

An act of faith

It's interesting how life can change in a matter of days, weeks, months. In my case, the lasts weeks were more or less the same (with the daily routine), but with a surprise that could change everything.

Fortunately finished with a happy ending. The C word is always a scary one, full of anxiety and bad thougts of all kind. For a moment I was really really worried,  for my partner and for me: this could'nt happen to him, to us. So inmediately, like a good and powerfull running, I start to eliminate all the bad thoughts, all the "bad emotions" that can born in that exact moment. And I say to myself and to him: everything will be alright, everything.

Days passed, I got the flu and sinus, I could not run for almost two weeks (and that was awful for me). But I have had to flow and let go all the bad emotions inside my body and mind. A small ambulatory surgery was neccesary to erradicate the problem and here we are: well and healthy.

While waiting in the doctor's office I've comitted with an act of faith. Faith is one of those word that I never use because of the religious thing. After "darle casco" (thinking very deeply), why not using it, there's no other word more appropiate.

That's how I subscribed to participate in my first 5K this month.

I still battling my asma and sinus, but I'm sure, pretty sure that I will be completely well for that day. I found a profound passion beside making art, maybe it's my own battle with the lack of time to create and the unfulfill dreams. Maybe I am quite tired of all the things that I know, I can't acheive. So, deep inside I am a melancholic girl full of dead dreams and running gave me other sense of life.

Also I want to share a very sloooow step with painting. It's been months (since hurricane María) that I feel blocked and can't paint anything, including watercolors, just a few lines and some drawings. I have sorrows that live inside. 

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